> Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is
> known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister
> Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the
> convent.
> SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
> half-hour?
> SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
> SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.
> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
> What can we do?
> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start
> walking faster.
> SM: It is not working.
> SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to
> do.
> He started to walk faster too.
> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
> go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
> So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
> arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet
> arrived.
> Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
> SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
> SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of
> us, so he followed me.
> SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
> SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I
> could.
> SM: So what happened?
> SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as
> fast as he could.
> SM: And what else?
> SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
> SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
> SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
> than a man with his pants down!
> (And you thought it would be dirty! Say two Hail Mary's...)
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a  comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The
weather  ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"


Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the  hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the back of
my pants!"

Sweaty Religious Men

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from town.

The men ran for cover, with the minister and priest covering their privates and the rabbi covering his face. After the ladies were gone and the men had retrieved their clothes, the minister asked the rabbi why he covered his face and not his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf,  however, is unable to get an erection.  His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of :  "Here I come again ONE,TWO, THREE . UGH!", "Here I
come again ONE,TWO, THREE ... UGH!", "Here I come  again ONE,TWO,
THREE ... UGH!",  and this lasted for two hours.
> >
> >
> >
The next morning the two were eating breakfast and they
started to discuss the evening.
The first dwarf mutters, "It was embarrassing and humiliating. I
just couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. 
"You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get up on the bed."

Do you know why the snake took Viagra? It was a case of reptile dysfunction.

Do you know why a doctor uses two fingers when examining your rectum? Answer: to get a second opinion. Ha Ha

Strong Love:
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young
couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties
up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on
the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his
clothes ! ! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and hasn't seen a
woman in years. If he wants sex, don'! t resist, don't complain, just do
what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if
he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. "

To which the wife responds: "I'm glad you think that way. Sure, he hasn't seen a
woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too. ."

> >In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These
> > two  statues faced each other for many years. Early  one
>  >morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the
>  >two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to
>  >many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift
>  >of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
> >
> > And so the statues came to life. They smiled at   each other, ran toward
> > some nearby woods and dove behind some bushes. The  angel smiled to  himself as
> > he  listened to the two giggling, bushes rustling, and
> > snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes,
> > satisfied and smiling.
> > Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and said to the statues, "You   still
> > have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
> >
> > The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
> > Smiling, the female statue
> > said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon and  I'll shit on its head."
> >
Enlightened Labor:
In this small cabin in the hills of Tennessee, the hillbilly's wife went     
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to          
assist in the delivery.  Since there was no electricity, the doctor          
handed the father-to be a lantern and said: "Here, you hold the light        
high so I can see what I'm doing.  Soon, a baby boy was brought into the  world.  "Whoa there," said the doctor.  Don't put the lantern down... I     think there's another one to come!  Sure enough, within minutes he had  delivered a baby girl.  And once again, he implored the father: "Don't   put down that lantern...  It seems there's yet another one in there!"    cried the doctor.                                                            

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:  Do ya thank it's the light that's attractin 'em?    

A bum asked a man on the street for $2.00.  "will you buy booze?", the man  asks to which the bum replies. "No".
"Will you gamble it away?"  Once again the bum replies, "No".
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"  Once again, the bum relies "NO, I don't play golf!"

Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"

Two nuns

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other,  "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."  Nodding emphatically, the mother superior
points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and
he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"

This page was last updated on: November 19, 2006
Tonyoldies Joke Page.